Prepping for Humility

It's a little strange to think that I was supposed to spend today on a clear-liquid diet, followed by colon cleansing preparation for surgery. Now that surgery has been postponed, this gave me an idea of something helpful I can post about - preparing for colonoscopy / sigmoidoscopy / intestinal surgery.

If you've ever had a colonoscopy, you will probably nod in agreement that the worst part of the whole process is the preparation. The procedure itself happens while you are under anesthesia, so you wont feel or remember anything. But the day before the procedure, I'm not going to lie...

IT. IS. HELL.

I'll give you my personal experiences (I've had 3 colonoscopies, 1 sigmoidoscopy, and a few upper endoscopies just for fun), and the preparations for each all produce the same results, just with different preparation mixtures.

Step 1: I spend the week before the procedure eating and drinking only simple foods that are easy to digest and won't upset my guts. This supposedly ensures the prep will be easier. I say "supposedly," because I don't really think any type of "diet" will make the prep more bearable.

Step 2: The day before the procedure (or starting 24 hours before), I am restricted to a clear-liquids only diet. That means if you can't see through it, you can't drink it. And absolutely NO FOOD. Some of the recommended drinkables are:
Water (duh)
Clear soda
Broth - chicken, beef, or vegetable
Apple juice
Fruit-flavored beverages (Kool-Aid, Crystal Light, etc.)
Jell-O
Popsicles
Hard candy
Coffee (YAY!) or tea, WITHOUT cream (sugar is OK)

This diet has been known to cause mental insanity in those who love food**. I recommend keeping to yourself for the entire day, because things are only going to get worse. That's not intended to scare you, I'm just being honest!

(**I made that up.)

Step 3: At a particular time of the afternoon or evening that the doctor has already determined, chemical prep begins. I have used three different types of colon prep, all of which provided the same results.
 

Golytely: This is a 1-gallon bottle you get by prescription only. This is probably the oldest, most-common colon prep solution available. I even recall my grandmother using this when I was but a wee girl. When you get the bottle, it's mostly empty with some powdered junk inside. You fill the gallon jug with lukewarm water (yes, lukewarm - not cold, not even room temp. LUKEWARM). Once the mixture is completely dissolved, you drink it. Sounds easy enough, right? Let me see if I can explain what it's like, using my education and wordsmithing ability:

It's really yucky.

You have to drink this entire gallon of piss-warm, synthetic-salt-water tasting liquid. And yes, one size fits all, apparently. Whether you're a 400lb person or a 90lb person, you have to drink ALL of it. And, to make things worse, you have to drink all of it WITHIN 2 HOURS.

After the first glass or two, I started hearing the sounds of beached whales in heat coming from deep within my guts. After the third glass, I felt my bowels literally moving.

A little piece of advice while doing colon prep: don't trust that fart. In fact, don't trust that cough, sneeze, or giggle either. Just get to a toilet ASAP.

As you can imagine, the remainder of the 2-hour chug-fest was spent mostly on the toilet, with occasional breaks to drink more Golytely. I tried sucking on hard candies before taking a swig to mask the horrific taste, but chemicals are stronger than sugar, and there is no hiding that flavor.

I had almost finished the jug within the 2-hour window, and my body had completely turned against me. I was now gagging at every sip, I was extremely bloated and feeling feverish - all while continuing to visit the royal bathroom throne endlessly. I couldn't bring myself to finish the last 8 ounces or so, and I convinced myself this was okay. I believed there was no possible way for my body to handle any additional internal cleansing.

Turns out, it was okay. In fact, my doctor told me the next day that they don't actually expect everyone to drink the whole jug. They prescribe it that way, though, so you will drink as much as you can force. Those bastards!

Fleet Phosph-Soda: Don't be confused by the word "soda" or by the "ginger-lemon flavor" description. There is nothing resembling gingerale in this package. NOTHING. This stuff is just a concentrated version of the Golytely jug, and ultimately, you're going to drink the same amount of liquid.

This 3 ounce bottle packs a punch. And they give you TWO of them. 6 ounces seemed like such a relief from that giant gallon jug, until I read the instructions. I had to mix these bottles with approximately ONE GALLON of water.

The only bright side here is that the water could be as cold as you desire. Since this stuff is already in liquid form, it mixes nicely at any temperature.

It tasted the same as the Golytely, except it had a slight pharmaceutical sweetness to it. That made it taste even worse, in my opinion. It was a little easier to chug ice-cold liquid, however, and that did make the prep about 0.0001% easier than the Golytely prep.

The process was about the same - over a 2 hour period, you had to finish both bottles with the respective amounts of mixed-in water. Only, this time I actually prepared myself to spend the entire evening in the bathroom, by having reading material, a blanket, and even a pillow to place behind my back. I highly recommend these items, as well as your phone, tablet, or a laptop, so that you can communicate to the world the exact torture you're experiencing.

Suprep Kit: Finally, someone in the pharmaceutical industry must have had a colonoscopy and realized how appalling and disgusting the prep is. Because this product, Suprep, was a saving grace!

This kit comes with everything you see above, including the cup. The bottles of liquid are just 6-ounces each. This type of prep is a two-step process: you do half of the prep the night before, and the other half the morning of your colonoscopy.

My experience with this product was mostly better than the previous preps. In this kit, you drink one of the bottles of liquid STRAIGHT. It's not necessary to mix it with anything. It doesn't taste great, but it doesn't taste as horrible as the Golytely or Fleet preps. After you drink the bottle, you drink several cups full of plain water. Using the provided cup, you don't have to guess at how much you're drinking, because the instructions tell you how many of their cups of water to drink.

The whole thing took about an hour, although I don't recall there being a specific time limit to this one. It took a little longer for it to work its "magic," but soon enough, I was a fixture in the loo, as expected. I still experienced the stomach bloating and feverishness, but I knew to expect that.

The next morning, I had to take the second dose. For some reason, my body decided "nope, we're done here," and I puked up the bottle of liquid almost immediately. I was still able to drink the necessary cups of water, and I was pretty darn sure there was nothing left in my bowels to be cleaned out after the night before. I was right, the colonoscopy happened without any problems.


Step 4: I suppose I already touched on step 4, which is the whole bathroom experience. But for the sake of laughter, let's recap:
 - Never trust a fart, giggle, cough, sneeze, or any sudden movements, unless you are already on the toilet.
 - Have your cell phone, tablet, laptop, or Kindle fully charged up and with you in the bathroom. You can only read that shampoo bottle so many times before you start repeating it in your sleep.
 - Your ass WILL hurt, when all is said and done. Pure liquid will be escaping you at a rate you never thought possible for the next 4-8 hours following colon prep. Have some baby wipes or disposable wipes available to help stay clean and comfortable.
 - Wear comfortable clothes. And don't wear expensive ones... it goes without saying you might "mess" in your britches.
 - Try to convince yourself that this will be worth the humiliation, pain, and disgust. And go ahead and plan out a midday meal following your procedure! You'll be loopy and fuzz-brained, but it will be the best meal you've ever had!

I have not covered all of the available colon preparation types in this post, I have only talked about the ones I've personally used before. In fact, the preparation for my surgery is not any one of the three I discussed - it's a simple mixture of over-the-counter laxatives and Miralax solution with some Gatorade. Hopefully this will be more pleasant than the last time!

What was your prep experience like? Did you have a different type of prep solution? Have you ever been turned away from your 'scope appointment because you weren't cleaned out enough? Let me know in the comments or privately by using the contact box to the right.